Marketing, done well, is the ability to sell to someone something they don’t want in a package they don’t like at a price they are unwilling to pay. Most people who disagree with this definition are marketers themselves, and hence we shall discount their disagreement.
Shah Rukh Khan once admitted that he is a commodity. Okay, he has that oh-so-cute dimple, ability to shake a leg on top of a train without falling off, and an army of females who envy his wife. With so much going for him, SRK would be a commodity whose going rate is always good. Still, he was recently dumped on the open market by a cola major for incomprehensible reasons. Imagine then the pitiable plight of daily workers like detergent sellers, factory labourers, salaried consultants etc., who might have only the oh-so-cute dimple in common with SRK, but who are commodities nonetheless. One special season every year, they are compared to their competitors, their prices haggled over and bids placed for them by people who don’t want them, in packages they don’t like and at prices they are unwilling to pay. This special season … (roll of the drums) … is … (crescendo) … the … (crash of the cymbals) …Appraisal season.
You know it’s that time of the year when the Department in charge of the whole thing starts sending frantic notifications to all and sundry, accusing them of laziness and gross incompetence, and provides statistics for further effect. The smart ones among the lazy and grossly incompetent pick out the hidden adjectives in the message, and make a mental note to mention their antonyms in their own sales pitch (some call them assessment forms). Not surprisingly, in a way some things never surprise you, the said Department stops all training sessions for composing sales pitches right when they are most needed.
Invariably, and much to the self righteous chagrin of the abovementioned Department, everyone starts filling out their forms two hours before the deadline for submission is about to expire. Those intelligent enough copy out slightly tweaked (as in, “Visited the company stall at Expo 2008 and said Hi to the representatives” to “Visited the company stall at Expo 2009 and said Hello to the representatives”) versions of their earlier forms. Those even more intelligent copy out largely untweaked (as in, “Visited the company stall at Expo 2009 and said Hello to the representatives” to “Visited the company stall at Expo 2009 and said Hello to the representatives”) versions of their friends’ forms. Brains are racked for what their owners have achieved in the past year, and after a long search, the brains reply, “Attended team meetings regularly.” A few more pokes, and the brains truthfully grumble, “Filled up timesheet conscientiously.” Owners of the brains give up, and write out on their own, “Organised birthday parties for team mates.” The ultimate examples of laziness and gross incompetence, the creative writers, despair the unimaginative structure of the forms, and end up ranting about it on their blogs.
After the much abused Department server inevitably crashes, deadlines are inevitably extended and spaced out. Meanwhile, discussions during coffee breaks revolve around terms like expectations, evaluation, review, and for sheer lack of creativity, review1, review2, and so on. Inside information on the relative leniency or ruthlessness of the powers that be are traded in hushed tones. The powers that be enjoy their days of glory as work gets done faster (or gets done at all), instructions are promptly acted upon, and juniors put on the powers that be’s favourite caller tunes on their phones. The lucky ones also get a few errands done along the way and occasionally have doors to their cars, or better still, to their juniors’ seductive new cars, held open for them. A pat on the back here, an indulgent smile there, and their worth on the information exchange takes the shape of a bull run.
Finally, a few days later, as numbers and comments roll in, popular mood dips regardless of the nature of the numbers and comments. Those getting anything less than the best complain that they deserved the best, while those who get the best complain they deserved it last year itself. Such is human nature. Little does it realise that even commodities fluctuate in value! Sigh…
AbNQ
